Friendship networks can take years to build, and moving abroad often means starting all over again. It's a daunting prospect in itself, and according to many of our readers, it can be even more difficult in Germany than in many other countries.
The idea that Germany is a hard place to make friends isn't unfounded by the way, the country has consistently ranked toward the bottom of the list for friendliness in expat surveys, such as those carried out by InterNations.
Given the importance of friendships to a healthy life, and for feeling connected to a place, we asked readers in a recent survey how easy they find making friends in Germany.
Asked who their friends are, about 40 percent of the respondents to our survey said that most of their friends are other internationals, while just over 20 percent said most of their friends here are German.
Another group (just under 20 percent) said they have a good mixture of both German and international friends, and the remaining portion (also just under 20 percent) said they have a hard time making any friends in Germany, both local or foreign.
How hard is it to make friends in Germany?
While several of our respondents reported making friends in Germany without difficulty, others said they struggled and wonder how open some Germans are to the idea of forming new friendships with foreigners.
Madeleine Oliver moved to a small village in Baden-Württemberg 13 years ago. “We found it quite easy to integrate," she said. "I can’t imagine life here without our German friends.”
Madeleine's experience could hardly be more different from Amanda Vix's. Originally from the UK, Amanda lives in Osnabrück: “I don’t have any friends here," she told The Local. "I’ve lived here 13 years and still don’t feel settled.”
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Maria Sibiga agrees. Also based in Osnabrück, she reflects on how hard it is to break into local social networks: “People here in north Germany seem to have their own social networks, and it’s hard to join in.”
Simon from Berlin is blunter when it comes to describing the cultural barriers.
“Germans speak German among themselves, are not very curious about other cultures, are often openly racist without realizing it, and are generally shite at small talk,” he said.
Using slightly more moderate language, Christopher Michailov-Lee makes a similar point.
“Germans are very reserved...and always seem to view outsiders with suspicion. I have struggled a lot even making connections at work and no one wants to spend time with me outside of working hours even though I see them heading out for beers after work with colleagues.”
Jenna in Hamburg adds that she met her friends at the gym and "honestly, even after years they still feel like acquaintances."
Children - the ultimate social lubricant
According to our survey, children can be the magical ingredient when it comes to building friendships – although some people are sceptical about whether these relationships will stand the test of time.
Jim, an American living in Berlin, said, “Have a baby. We met most of our friends just from finding activities to do with our son.”
An anonymous respondent from Hamburg agreed, with reservations: “I’m friendly with several other parents at our Kita but wouldn’t call them friends. The Germans who are most open to making friends are those in relationships with non-German partners.”
How else do people make friends in Germany?
Our respondents rarely suggest that lasting friendships spring up overnight in Germany, but regular interactions and a healthy dose of patience do lead to breakthroughs.
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For Giovanna Cenini from Italy, who lives in Bonn, work provided the most effective environment for making friends.
“The only genuine German friends I’ve made have been colleagues. Through daily interactions at work, I gradually built friendships,” she said.
Other respondents talked about making friends through their involvement in local activities and events.
Jacques Nalletamby in Berlin got invited to a German-speaking pub quiz and made friends there.
J. Hanson, a Canadian in Dortmund, recalls meeting German friends at a music event: “They spoke English, so it was easy to start a conversation. Then they invited me to other events and I met more of their friends. I’m a part of the group now. It’s great.”
Larry Schulz, who has lived in Munich since 1980, made friends at “local church groups”, as well as “international business and social clubs”.
Is it necessary to make German friends?
On the whole, respondents were almost unanimous in agreeing that it’s impossible to really feel at home in Germany without making friends from the country.
“While you can certainly live in Germany without having native‐German friends,” said Giovanna Cenini, “forming friendships with locals can greatly ease your integration. German friends help you navigate cultural nuances, introduce you to community events, and expand your social and professional networks.”
READ ALSO: Foreigners on love, hook-ups and friendship in Germany
“German friends are crucial to feeling at home in Germany,” adds J Hanson. “I feel like I fit in and belong. They help me understand the customs, attitudes and paperwork.”
Maria Sibiga agrees – and goes on to explain: “Friendships make a home and without them I feel isolated. Even after 14 years living here, and despite having very supportive German in-laws, I still often feel isolated.”
“I definitely feel more integrated having a couple of German friends because I get insider info and cultural explanations that I wouldn’t be privy to otherwise,” said an anonymous correspondent from Hamburg.
“It’s easy to meet other immigrants," she adds, "but they tend to be more mobile. I’m at the point where I’m hesitant to get close to anyone unless they’re well settled or have strong ties to the country.”
An anonymous respondent from Cologne concludes with a pragmatic view – and some good advice:
“Don’t have high expectations. Just put yourself out there and try not to try too hard. Also understand that your view of what friendship may differ from how Germans approach friendships. Unfortunately, it seems hard for Germans to make friends with other Germans too, especially if they didn't grow up together.”
What other advice do people give for making friends in Germany?
The main advice shared by readers is simple (if hard to accomplish in practice): learn German.
It was mentioned by around half of our respondents.
"Learn German," said Jenna in Hamburg. "Otherwise every interaction with a potential friend feels like an unexpected pop English test to them."
“No one will laugh at you," added Gary Cliffe in Lüdinghausen. "In most instances, it will be appreciated that you’re making the effort.”
Gary also mentions that it’s important to “accept cultural differences and avoid telling people that life is better in your homeland."
Giovanna Cevini is even more emphatic: “The single most effective step is to demonstrate a genuine commitment to learning German. Showing that you’re making an effort with their language signals respect for the culture and lowers the “stranger” barrier. Over time…you’ll find Germans much more open and eager to deepen the friendship.”
Patience and persistence
“Be patient and keep showing up at the same meetings or places until you become a familiar fixture kind of like a lamp post that is always there," said an anonymous respondent from Hamburg.
Daniel S. from Berlin also recommends “patience” and suggests sports as a potential route to making friends.
William Trimmer from Burgwedel adds that he has found that a mixture of honesty and humour works well.
“Let people know the struggles of living in a new country but do it with a sense of humour,” he said.
Don’t give up
Nearly all our respondents recommend attending events of joining clubs of an almost bewildering variety.
Suggestions include: football, fishing, owning a dog, music classes, church groups, work-related networking events, online platforms and community forums, study groups, theatre groups, volunteering, and joining societies like Democrats Abroad.
EXPLAINED: How to find a lost friend or relative in Germany
Respondents acknowledged that it’s often easier to meet fellow expats, largely because first points of contact are often language classes and other services for foreigners which Germans don’t typically attend.
Still, nearly everyone agrees that the extra effort involved in making connections with locals is crucial to feeling at home in the country.
So relax, take your time and, and take a leaf out of J Hanson’s book: “attend events, smile, and be ready to make conversation.”
Thank you so much to everyone who completed our survey. Although we weren't able to use all the responses, we read them all and they helped inform our article. If there’s anything you’d like to add, feel free to drop us a line at news@thelocal.de.
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